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~ bear ~

from the gate it was a struggle, to live, to survive, to continue moving forward, not unlike anyone else... this is from my point of view... pushing through the only way I know how, my own... would I have it any other way? with the things I've learned, the experiences I've had, the knowledge gained along my travels... hell no

the first visual memory I have, is of a gas mask not unlike the kind from the mid seventies that would be put on you, to knock you out for an operation, accept it consumed my entire face...

woken up during one of the very first operations I probably ever had, visually seeing my feet being operated on, only to be pushed back down and again the mask enveloped my vision and back to sleep I went...

three operations from the gate, to get my feet in front of me, the beginnings of a long and difficult road of therapy, riddled with various smaller operations of tendon releases, casts ~ straight legged from toe to hip for weeks on end, splints... at certain times they straightened my knees after a tendon cut behind my small calfs and casted my legs straight... that found me sitting in a tub of vinegar, in order to free my legs and stop the bleeding of stitches that had been broken inside the casts and was bleeding through... as far as my memory serving me correctly, to this day the smell of vinegar turns my hide... my family and close friends there every step of the way... this is my gift... this is what we fought so diligently for... my gift of creativity, which is my love...

to say my adolescent life was anything far from a fight, barely scratches the surface... I handled it as best as one could, each moment at a time, each procedure at a time, each encounter with the other kids growing up at a time, good or bad, i managed my way through...

each love from the very first, to the most recent, from the time I began writing this entry... one thing has always reared it's evil head of mine, and time and time again I have taken the kindness of woman the wrong way and became the prick I never wanted to be or proclaimed I never was, only now to realize, I shut them all out, making them uncomfortable to be around me, crushed the most loving hearts I've every been blessed to have met, wished them luck and walked away... along with anyone else in my path that may have received this, for this only, the universe knows best how truly and heart felt apologetic I honestly am... well, and now you as the reader, now know... :\

to the these god-sent woman that have touched my very soul, I thank you dearly for shining your light on my existence, if only for a short while... i won't name you, and if you are reading this by chance we meet again, yes this is also yours... I thank you from depths of the universe that only the stars know of... the muses of my life...

ok so now that I have your attention... please understand what you have and possibly will continue to read, see, and hear, are how I've seen things, how I will most likely continue to see things, and will forever creatively express... showing you the only way I know how, my own way... creatively... my very first personal love of my life...

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